Skeeson 10 High Rollers Report
[Editor’s Note: Each season I handpick one of the veterans to write the High Rollers Report. The report is a breakdown of the individual matchups on Super Saturday and its sole purpose is to provide a little entertainment the day before. If he/she takes shots or jabs at you it means they like you, it’s all in good fun. As always, the guest writer has been granted anonymity. So without further ado, I bring to you the Season 10 High Rollers Report.]
Why hello everyone! Hope everyone is ready to enjoy some skeeball nice and early Saturday thanks to the Bruins/Canadians game that will turn the Greatest Bar into a clusterf***. Doesn’t the NHL know not to put up a marquee game in Boston when the real action is going to be right down the street from the Garden? [Editor’s Note: Pretty sure I already love the ghost writer]
This tournament has always been thrilling and it has been proven that anyone can get on a hot streak and be digitally etched into the HRT history books. Sure, Steve “Pinball” Robinson managed to take home his second title but the crowd favorite of the tournament, Robyn Woodman took him to the limit and was one ball away from being the champ. Let this give you some motivation to show up and skee your heart out. No excuses, skee like a champion.
This season’s bracket has lined up some wonderful story lines that I’m rooting to happen. Without further ado….
Patty Bassett/King Kong Bundy Division:
The top half of this bracket is stacked with talent: Patty Bassett & Robo from Tricksee Little Hobbits, and Season 8 [Editor’s Note: It’s skeeson] HRT winner Brian Aldridge. Poor Robo has the most difficult path to glory out of everyone as he’ll have to go against Brian in the 2nd round and if he can manage to get past him, he’ll be going against his own teammate Patty Bassett.
Now Pat is nothing short of incredible. His past three seasons are the best anyone have put together in this league. Only thing is, he doesn’t have any hardware to show for it.. He’s the Dan Marino of SkeeBOSTON. [Editor’s Note: BOOM!] That’s why it’s going to sting even more when it’s his own teammate that takes him out in the second round. Et tu, Robo?
As for the bottom half, Chuck “Schoompy Asterisk” Rogers [Editor’s Note:well played] is going to be Thursday’s only legitimate chance to take this division. Unfortunately, the asterisk will get erased by an early upset by the newest member of the 900 club, Mr. Greek. It doesn’t get any easier for Greek because he will also be facing his own teammate, the doll of 2BAAD, Stephanie Burgess. Greek will fall a couple of hundos short. Steph moves on to face Robo and she’ll be on too much of a roll for a battered Robo.
Winner: #8 Stephanie Burgess
In the Hunt: #9 Chuck Rogers, #1 Patty Bassett, #18 Brian Aldridge
Dark Horses: #17 Robo, #24 Greek
Pinball Division:
This division is stacked with talent. Two multiple time HRT winners, two decorated vets, and two dark horse candidates. This is the toughest division of the tournament.
I swear that the numbers had to be adjusted because I don’t find it a coincidence that Robyn and Pinball are in the same bracket, but to face each other so soon? All that stands in the way of a rematch of last year’s HRT finals is Robyn’s wedding. Who gets married on Super Saturday? Priorities. Unfortunately for Steve, Robyn’s own teammate Allison gets redemption against Pinball and with the crowd on her side, takes him out in an OT thriller.
She’ll have to worry about one of two of Thursday’s solid players: Skeepleus’ Tom Martin or Skeeing is Believing’s Ben Fountain. A real tough match-up between the two but I believe Ben has what it takes to take out Tom and Allison, much to the dismay of everyone who’s on the Bad News Bearskees bandwagon.
In the bottom half of the bracket, we have Everett Phillips, another HRT winner, who should advance through the first two rounds easily. He doesn’t have to worry about a hot roller coming out of the wild card tournament to knock him out this time but it’ll be the bottom half of this bracket that should have him a little worried.
It could be Ev’s lovely wife (read: longtime girlfriend), Christina “Panda” Chen who is facing off against Mike Foxon. Now normally, we don’t go against anyone with that last name but Chen should move on here. She faces the winner of Pat Flaherty vs John Polischuk. God I hope John plays in this tournament this skeeson. He has a tough task against Pat but I’ll pick the mohawked one with the upset because I think Pat will be too s**tfaced from either celebrating a chalice or losing it in the finals.
This puts Everett with a hell of a conundrum. Surely he has to be rooting for Chen but he’s going to be secretly rooting for Polischoke to take her out, which is what I think will happen here. He then looks like the savior as he sweeps Polischoke.
After avoiding the personal landmine of potentially knocking out his wife (in a non Ray Rice way), Ev takes out Ben and advances to the Final Four with ease. As the saying goes: Happy wife, happy life!
Winner: Everett Phillips
In The Hunt: #18 Ben Fountain, #15 Tom Martin, #2 Pinball
Dark Horses: #34 Robyninator, #58 Polischoke
Chris Martin Division:
You know that one bracket in your March Madness pool that totally destroys you? This is it for Skeeson X. So many dark horse candidates I don’t know who to pick. The two favorites are Martin & Nick Weir but Eric Mendes can surely beat both of them. He’s the master of the flamingo style roll and if he’s on his hundo game, look out.
But it’s the other names in this division that have me intrigued: names like Brady Zupan, Frank Davoli, Marissa Bias, & Jan Harrington. There’s an upset brewing somewhere with those four and could very well be this year’s version of the Robynator. Part of me wants to pick Jan Harrington to beat Nick Weir and maybe even Eric Mendes but she may very well just freak out and unleash a hundred F-Bombs to whoever rattles her cage I can’t put my trust in her to do so. F*** that.
And Marissa, last skeeson’s Wild Card winner, has been playing well as of late. If she can keep her focus, she’ll make some noise in the first two rounds and give Martin a run for his money. Ultimately, I think Martin will take the match-up but it won’t be easy.
Finally in a battle between two of the older veterans in SkeeBOSTON, I like Chris Martin beating Mendes but just found out he won’t be at Super Saturday. Instead of re-writing this entire thing, Mendes advances by default.
Winner: Eric Mendes
In the Hunt: Nick Weir
Dark Horse: Jan Harrington, Marissa Bias
Shed Bracket:
Oh this one is fun. Can Shed finally be the first woman to win the HRT? She’ll have some fun match-ups in the first couple rounds as she could be facing PBR’s Chris Trott and my dark horse of this division, Jamie Bergstein. Bergstein has improved dramatically and I like her getting past both Ian and Sam but nerves, booze, and Shed’s dominance will end that Cinderella run.
In the bottom half of the bracket, we have another potential teammate match up in Skeepleus’s Chelsey Jensen vs Scotty 2 Hotty. That’s if Che can get past PBR’s Coozie, which is not an easy task. I do see Scotty handling either of them with ease since he’s a cerebral assassain when it comes to the HRT.
There’s another great Wednesday match-up brewing in the second round as Jerry Glendye and Paul “The Plumbler” Ciaramicoli face off. I like Paul in this matchup, as Jerry will once again miscalculate and roll up the middle when he needs a hundo. [Editor’s Note: throwing grenades… I LOVE IT!]
So it’ll be Scotty 2 Hotty vs The Plumber and this one will be a doozy. All signs point to Scotty but what’s the fun in picking favorites?[Editor’s Note:Skeeson 10, the skeeson of upsets. Yeah buddy!] I’m taking Paul for one reason and one reason only: I want to see who the better roller is between Paul & Shed and who wears the skeeing pants in their relationship. And in the upset, I’m taking the soon to be Mr. Shed to move on.
Winner: Paul Ciaramicoli
In The Hunt: Scotty 2 Hotty, Jerry Glendye
Dark Horses: Jamie Bergstein
Final Four:
Stephanie Burgess vs Eric Mendes
This is going to be a damn good matchup. Mendes has been playing well and if that last ball hundo is falling, look out. Meanwhile, Steph is the most consistent person on 2BAAD and could be leading them to the chailce. I feel like she’ll be the more consistent roller of the two but it’ll take OT to move on.
Everett Phillips vs Paul Ciaramicoli
Everett will be looking for his third HRT title. He’s been in this situation before and knows exactly what it takes. But after Paul just eliminating his fiance, I expect him to be playing with some Duke-esque consistency [Editor’s Note:cute]…. or else he’ll never hear the end of it. I’ll take Paul.
Finals: Paul Ciaramicoli vs Stephanie Burgess
An all Wednesday final! It’s going to be a battle of attrition here as this to are nearly identical in terms of stats. Steph could walk out of the Greatest Bar with a chalice and a HRT title to her name but I got to go with Paul in this one.
So there you have it, high rollers! This is just one person’s take on it and I put way too much thought into this. Go ahead and prove me wrong! Good luck and skee you on the lanes!