S18 Wild Card
[Editor’s Note: Season 18 High Rollers Report – Before I get to the report, let me recap last night. Another Epic draft season playoff in the books. Three of the top four seeds fell, Bri-guy rolled a 537 (I believe the highest score of all time in SkeeBOSTON history) and LOST, and we had two rule stoppages that almost cost two teams a spot on Saturday. Crazy crazy night. So… each season I handpick one of the veterans to write the High Rollers Report. The report is a breakdown of the individual match-ups on Super Saturday and its sole purpose is to provide a little entertainment the day before. If he/she takes shots or jabs at you it means they like you. It’s all in good fun. As always, the guest writer has been granted anonymity. So without further ado, I bring to you the Season 18 High Rollers Report. ]
Ghostwriter here. What up.
I get asked to choose things a lot. Coke or Pepsi. Cats or dogs. Standing or sitting down to pee. And I have the perfect system. So when Duke asked me to fill out a bracket, I knew I had the best way to pick a perfect bracket.
Do you want to know my secret? Okay, here it is: ANAGRAMS
That’s right, anagrams. Any time you have to pick between two things, shuffle up those letters and see what you get. Pick whatever you like best and VOILA. Decision.
So here we go:
Ben Fountain (Bean in Futon) vs. Wild Card Winner 1 (Ironclad Dew): How did the bean get in the futon? I need to know more. Ben moves on.
John Hunt (John Hunt) vs. Kyra Johnson (Johnny Okras): The only anagram for John Hunt is John Hunt. Sad. Kyra wins by default. [Editor’s Note: What is happening!?]
Eric Siegel (Rise Ice Leg) vs. John Polischuk (Slip Hooch Junk): Tough call. I like an ascending frozen femur as much as the next guy, but I need to warn Hooch that somebody is putting something in his drink. Polischuk wins.
Lindsay Allen (Sled in Anally) vs. Rick Nau (Crunk AI): Dude, gross. Seriously. We’re getting crunk obviously. Rick wins. [Editor’s Note: Doubt he shows]
Andrew Costello (Rodent Coleslaw) vs. Kyle Clifton (Lofty Nickel): These are way more disgusting than I was expecting. I think I’ll pass on the rodent coleslaw. Kyle, you win.
Ray Di Ciaccio (Acidic Icy Oar) vs. Stephen Leferman (Panther Elf Semen): Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I feel like I’ve opened Pandroa’s Box here. What is panther elf semen? Does it have magical properties? I need to know more. Sorry Ray.
Jeff Wagner (Few Jag Fern) vs. Jennifer Kenely (Jeer Inky Fennel): These are both bad and you should both feel bad. Jennifer wins.
Ryan Geraghty (Thy Angry Rage) vs. Mike Gallo (Omega Kill): This is more like it. Two juggernauts in the first round but one has to go down. I’m taking Ryan and his poetic waxing.
Devin Mcdonald (Cloven Dad Mind) vs. Wild Card Two (Crawl Odd Wit): I don’t understand either of these. I guess I’ll pick the one that is a real person and not a hypothetical person to be named later. Even if it is Devin.
Christina Salvucci (Tiaras Civics Lunch) vs. Jen Tanner (Ran Jennet): Blowout city. Christina has a page of good options, Jen has zilch.
Mike Selbovitz (Zombie Likes TV) vs. Chelsea Glasner (She Sell Carnage): Wow, what a battle. A tongue twister with a twist vs. zombies. I’m giving it to Mike for powering through even with a Z and a V. Well played.
John Dawson (Jon Snow Had) vs. Kyle Mack (No Anagrams Found): Welp, I guess we get to find out what Jon Snow had. Dawson to Round 2.
Jan Harrington (Ninja Rag Horn) vs. Chris Waltrous (Walrus Ostrich): Walrus Ostrich.
Kristen Skillman (Mrs Lankiest Link) vs. Ashley Taylor (Ashtray Ell Yo): Mrs. Lankiest Link sounds like a Harry Potter character which doesn’t beat much. It does beat an ashtray though. Kristen is through, barely.
Emily Millet (Yeti Melt Mill) vs. Jonathan Kim (Thank Ma Join): If you don’t like yetis, I don’t like you. Emily wins.
Pat Bassett (Stabs at Pet) vs. Melissa Straus (Sassiest Murals): Likes: Street art with some funk. Dislikes: STABBING MY PET. Pat gets upset and then presumably gets upset.
Everett Phillips (Helper Pelvis Tit) vs. Wild Card Three (Wildcat Herder): Tit is my favorite word. Sorry Wild Card Three. Tit.
Mike Moody (Kid Memo Yo) vs. Liz Wong (Zing Owl): I do like the mental image of a five year old boss yelling at me: “Didn’t you get the memo! Which memo?!?! The Kid Memo Yo!” Still, I’m going Zing Owl and Liz. [Editor’s Note: this is out of control.]
Melissa Taylor (Siesta Morally) vs. Katelyn Dwyer (Nakedly We Try): Another heavyweight battle. I’m going with Melissa. It’s so, so important that we ethically nap. Maybe if it were up against Nakedly We Do, but try just isn’t going to cut it.
Marissa Bias (I Am A Bass Sir) vs. Michelle Hannigan (I Am Enhancing Hell): I don’t know who to believe here. One of you is starting Extreme Home Makeover: Underworld Edition and the other one is a fish. A fish for cod’s sake (pun). I’ll take the hell enhancer. Congrats Michelle.
Stephanie Burgess (Inept Sagebrushes) vs. Heather Ryan (Rather Hyena): I like my sagebrushes to be capable. I will not accept inept sagebrushes. Heather it is.
Mike Foxon (Me Fox Oink) vs. Cristina Peebles (Celibate Snipers): Pigs say oink, Mike, not foxes. Foxes say…wait a minute…WHAT DOES A FOX SAY?! I’ll tell you what this fox says: Snipers should stay celibate so they can focus on their sniping. Cristina takes it.
Diana Perkins (Naked Aspirin) vs. Kori Nicholson (Lick Rhino Soon): Ummmm, I do not think we should be licking rhinos. We certainly should not be in a rush to lick these rhinos. I’ll take Naked Aspirin and Diana.
Nick Weir (Rice Wink) vs. Melody Leferman (My Emerald Felon): I can’t condone felonies. I just can’t. Maybe if it was only an emerald misdemeanor I could look the other way, but this is a bridge too far. I’ll take the rice wink and Nick.
Steve Robinson (Bovine Stoners) vs. Wild Card Four (Druid Arc Wolf): And this is why we play this game. If you aren’t laughing right now at the thought of a bunch of cows getting high, I hate so much about the things you choose to be. Steve wins easily and is the front runner from here on out.
Kim Lutzke (Mike Klutz) vs. Alex Carr (Lax Racer): You guys need longer names and fewer weird letters. Lax Racer races on, but Alex is staring at those stoner cows in Round 2.
Dan Wohleber (Whoa Blender) vs. Zach Ryan (Arch Zany): Wow, I did not think a name as short as Zach Ryan was going to be able to pull this off but I love Arch Zany. It’s like a comic book villain made up by a 5 year old. I for one want to read The Adventures of Captain Great and Arch Zany. Zach is going on.
Cory Magno (Corona Gym) vs. Ryan Wolters (Nearly Worst): I appreciate your honesty, Ryan. Maybe if you had spent a few more hours in the Corona Gym you’d be moving on. But you’re not.
Brian Aldridge (Balding Raider) vs. Jodi Dwyer (Wed Rid Joy): Yes, weddings do have a habit of killing the joy…but who wants to go there. We want the Balding Raider! Brian moves on.
Max Sabato (Samba at Ox) vs. Craig Kaufman (I Fuck Anagram): We already discussed large animals and we can’t dance at them any more than we can lick them. However, Craig, I cannot condone that language or your attitude towards my process. Max wins.
Justin Arsenault (Jets Is Unnatural) vs. Janelle Suckley (Sneaky Clue Jell): I’m with you Justin, although your grammar could use work. Jets ARE unnatural. How are they staying up there! That’s crazy! Sorry Janelle, Justin has a point.
Roberto Arguello (Burro Roll Goatee) vs. Kimberly Vara (Viably Remark): There’s already enough stupid facial hair Robo. Stop trying to make Burro Roll Goatee a thing. Kimberly is the last to advance to Round 2.
[Editor’s Note: I’m skipping this entire round. It’s almost 11pm.]
Ben Fountain (Bean in Futon) vs. Kyra Johnson (Johnny Okras): Like was somebody eating a burrito in bed and some fell out and they didn’t clean it up and then it got folded into couch mode? Okra is gross, I’m tuning in for another episode of the bean mystery with Ben.
Rick Nau (Crunk AI) vs. John Polischuk (Slip Hooch Junk): The more I think about it, the more I think our machine learning isn’t crunk enough. Rick marches forward.
Stephen Leferman (Panther Elf Semen) vs. Kyle Clifton (Lofty Nickel): Kyle, may your nickels fly as high as your dreams. Plus, I’m at work so I should probably stop typing “semen.” It was a good run Stephen. I’ll ask you about the Panther Elf Semen (oops, there it is again) on Super Saturday. I might buy a shipment or fifty.
Ryan Geraghty (Thy Angry Rage) vs. Jennifer Kenely (Jeer Inky Fennel): Thy angry rage doth advance to Round 3. Jennifer, your anagram sucks. What were your parents thinking? Did they even consider the possibility that you would be part of an anagram-off someday?
Devin Mcdonald (Cloven Dad Mind) vs. Christina Salvucci (Tiaras Civics Lunch): I, for one, LOVE eating a BLT, discussing politics, and looking fabulous. Sorry Devin, Christina has this one in the bag. Hopefully there is also a BLT in that bag because I’m hungry.
Mike Selbovitz (Zombie Likes TV) vs. John Dawson (Jon Snow Had) : Jon Snow vs. the Zombies already? I was thinking that probably wouldn’t happen until next season after Cersei gets hers. You know nothing Jon Snow. Mike wins, Dawson gets squashed like [GoT Season 4 Spoiler Alert] Oberyn vs. the Mountain.
Kristen Skillman (Mrs Lankiest Link) vs. Chris Waltrous (Walrus Ostrich): Walrus Ostrich.
Emily Millet (Yeti Melt Mill) vs. Melissa Straus (Sassiest Murals): Yeti Melt Mill sounds like an ice cream place in some vacation town that all the locals swear is the best but really isn’t that great. “OMG you HAVE to try the Double Chocolate Fudge DunkaFrackaCrapaChino. It’s the BEST LOL!” No, I don’t have to try it. Give me sassy murals or give me death. Melissa is into the Sweet 16.
Everett Phillips (Helper Pelvis Tit) vs. Liz Wong (Zing Owl): I’m a big fan of owls. I’m a bigger fan of tits. Everett takes it.
Melissa Taylor (Siesta Morally) vs. Michelle Hannigan (I Am Enhancing Hell): This is a tough choice. Which do I prefer: responsible napping or Make Hell Great Again. Both are needed, but since I’m certainly going to hell (#PantherElfSemen) let’s focus on that. Congrats Michelle.
Cristina Peebles (Celibate Snipers) vs. Heather Ryan (Rather Hyena): I’m thinking of Rather Hyena as a spin-off of That’s So Raven. I’m thinking there would be a bunch of pre-teen girls making stupid jokes about boys and homework and then one of them would say “Well that’s Rather Hyena!” and everybody would laugh and then BOOM out of nowhere the Celibate Snipers take them all out. Great show, really underrated part of the CW lineup. Anyway, Cristina, you win this one.
Diana Perkins (Naked Aspirin) vs. Nick Weir (Rice Wink): Naked Aspirin is a pretty good summary of Super Sunday. “I showed up at The Greatest Bar at 10 AM, drank and played skeeball all day and then the next morning…naked…ASPIRIN.” Diana pulls it off.
Steve Robinson (Bovine Stoners) vs. Alex Carr (Lax Racer): If you read this far and think Lax Racer has any chance against Bovine Stoners, I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul. Steve marches on.
Cory Magno (Corona Gym) vs. Zach Ryan (Arch Zany): This week on The Adventures of Captain Great and Arch Zany – The madman Arch Zany let all the Rhinos and Ox out of the Main Street Zoo! What will Captain Great do?!! Spoiler Alert: Captain Great has been hitting the “weights” at the Corona Gym pretty hard, don’t you worry about anything. Cory wins.
Brian Aldridge (Balding Raider) vs. Max Sabato (Samba at Ox) : Just because the Ox have been saved by Captain Great doesn’t mean you should start dancing AT them. The Balding Raider lives to raid another day. Brian wins.
Justin Arsenault (Jets Is Unnatural) vs. Kimberly Vara (Viably Remark) : Like, it doesn’t make any sense. They just go really fast forward and somehow that makes them go up? Just because the wing is shaped weird or something? I’m not buying it. Great point Justin. You win again.
Ben Fountain (Bean in Futon) vs. Rick Nau (Crunk AI): Maybe a beanbag from cornhole accidentally ripped and the beans wound up in…this doesn’t make any sense?!? Ben wins.
Ryan Geraghty (Thy Angry Rage)vs. Kyle Clifton (Lofty Nickel): Thy Angry Rage doth ground thy airy metals. Ryan into the Elite 8.
Mike Selbovitz (Zombie Likes TV) vs. Christina Salvucci (Tiaras Civics Lunch): I gotta say, one lunchtime tiara talk and I really don’t need to have any more. Zombies and TV on the other hand just keep giving. Mike moves on.
Melissa Straus (Sassiest Murals) vs. Chris Waltrous (Walrus Ostrich): Walrus Ostrich.
Everett Phillips (Helper Pelvis Tit) vs. Michelle Hannigan (I Am Enhancing Hell): Here’s the quickest way to enhance hell. Add some Helper Pelvis Tits. Everett is through to the next round.
Cristina Peebles (Celibate Snipers) vs. Diana Perkins (Naked Aspirin): I’m out of celibate sniper jokes and naked aspirin jokes and neither were even that good to begin with. I’ll take Diana.
Steve Robinson (Bovine Stoners) vs. Cory Magno (Corona Gym): Why did the bovine stoners cross the road? To get to the Corona Gym. Steve wins. Come on, Bovine Stoners isn’t going to lose.
Brian Aldridge (Balding Raider) vs. Justin Arsenault (Jets Is Unnatural): I just don’t trust them, okay? If you guys want to trust “physics” and “magic” that’s all you. It doesn’t make any sense. How do you fly by just slapping an engine on a tube. I’m taking the bus, see you guys is Toledo in a few days. Justin wins again.
Ben Fountain (Bean in Futon) vs. Ryan Geraghty (Thy Angry Rage): Is it a Lima bean? Pinto bean? Who names beans anyway, because a lot of beans have pretty dumb names. I never noticed that before. What the hell is a fava bean anyway? Oh, am I supposed to be picking a winner here? Sorry, got sidetracked by beans. Ben wins.
Mike Selbovitz (Zombie Likes TV) vs. Chris Waltrous (Walrus Ostrich): Walrus Ostrich.
Everett Phillips (Helper Pelvis Tit) vs. Diana Perkins (Naked Aspirin): The next time you go to the doctor, tell him that your Helper Pelvis Tit has been a little sore and ask if he recommends Naked Aspirin. Trust me. Everett wins.
Steve Robinson (Bovine Stoners) vs. Justin Arsenault (Jets Is Unnatural): I bet when the cows get high they sit around real quiet and think about life and death and God and all that deep stuff and then somebody lets out a “Moooooo” and they all start laughing and laughing and laughing and then I order my filet medium rare and that’s the end of that.
Ben Fountain (Bean in Futon) vs. Chris Waltrous (Walrus Ostrich): Wait, is it a JELLY bean? I didn’t even think of that until now. It must be a jelly bean. That makes so much more sense. Mystery solved. But wait…how did it get in the futon?!?!?! Why is there even a futon here? This isn’t a college dorm, we don’t need our couches to convert to beds. We’re adults. Let’s just get single purpose furniture. Ben wins.
Everett Phillips (Helper Pelvis Tit) vs. Steve Robinson (Bovine Stoners): Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side [Editor’s Note: At least there was a good joke!]. Also probably to get high. Steve is back in the finals.
Ben Fountain (Bean in Futon) vs. Steve Robinson (Bovine Stoners): These guys are pretty damn good at skeeball. Steve just keeps on winning this damn thing and Ben blew everybody away this season. I’m going to pick Ben in this match-up, he’s just too locked in and he’s not going to lose in the Finals. Should be a great match.
BUT, here’s the thing. These two aren’t even going to make the finals. They’re going to be too busy trying to figure out why there is a bean in the goddamn futon or laughing hysterically at the thought of cows smoking weed. They’re going down early thanks to yours truly. This thing is wide open. Let’s see who takes it on Saturday.
[Editor’s Note: Was that really the Season 18 High Roller Report. At least it’s over. Skee you all tomorrow.]