Season 15 High Rollers Report
Season 15 High Rollers Report – [Editor’s Note: Each season I handpick one of the veterans to write the High Rollers Report. The report is a breakdown of the individual match-ups on Super Saturday and its sole purpose is to provide a little entertainment the day before. If he/she takes shots or jabs at you it means they like you. It’s all in good fun. As always, the guest writer has been granted anonymity. So without further ado, I bring to you the Season 14 High Rollers Report. And for the record, Bri-Guy took home his second HRT last season. Updated photo to come.]
Greetings, high rollers!
How’s everyone doing after Draft 2.0? Second time around and the chaos that ensued this skeeson was fantastic. One week you can be leading the league, the next you could be fighting to not be in the wild card round. And in the playoffs the top three seeds went DOWN. Congratulations to Hungry Hungry Hundos, Make Polishuck Great Again, 2 Skeezy Brothers and a Broadskee, and Lane 4 Champions which will make for some great 10 AM (ugh) matchups. Parity is what makes this league great.
It’s a shame that parity doesn’t carry over into the High Roller’s Tournament.
Seriously? Look at that photo on the top of the page. I haven’t seen this many privileged white males since the Republican National Convention. SOMEONE NEEDS TO STEP UP AND BE THE CHANGE THAT WE CAN BELIEVE IN. Who will that be? Let’s find out!
The 1% bracket
Who Should Win: Steve Robinson. He is the literal 1% that we all should hate. We should occupy the lanes when he’s rolling to make him feel squeamish. Unfortunately, he will have had a gallon of vodka & Red Bull in his system and our shouts will do nothing but make him laugh as he banks 50 after 50 after 50 after 50…
Who to Watch Out For: Lindsay Allen [Editor’s Note: hopefully she reads the rules before tomorrow] …until he has to go face to face with Lindsay. Let this happen on Lane 2 and Lindsay will take out the top seed in TWO. You heard it here first.
Best Matchup: Tom Martin vs Ray Di Ciaccio looks tantalizing if both of them can get past veterans ladies Jamie Bergstein & Marissa Bias respectively.
Who Will Win: Tom Martin He has to be the highest ranked super-sub ever and he’s probably still a little ticked he didn’t get into the draft. I see him pulling out all the stops beating Lindsay in overtime.
The Build A Wall Around Alan Bracket
Who Should Win: Seriously. Build a wall around Alan (Pat) Bassett. He finally didn’t make the Finals last skeeson after going 2-2 in his 4 straight finals appearances and he should not be allowed back into the finals. May he hit nothing but zeroes when he rolls. [Editor’s Note: LOL]
Who to Watch Out For: Andrew Costello. There’s a few other names in this bracket that are killers but keep your eyes out for Andrew. He was a mid-season pickup after being away for a year and half and arguably put together his best season. And he gets rewarded with the worst possible stretch of people. Could go up against Devin McDonald, Bri-Guy Aldridge and Alan to get to the final four [Editor’s Note: Whoa. Crazy bracket.]. Hopefully he can continue his hot streak because he will need to be at his best to get through that gauntlet.
Best Matchup: Brian Aldridge vs Pat Bassett Two multiple time winners of the HRT facing off to even make it to the Final Four. My lord. This is SkeeBOSTON’s Trump vs Clinton and we would all be rooting for Bri-Guy because we don’t want to see Alan win. [Editor’s Note: two political reverences already… cheese and rice.]
Who Will Win: Alas that matchup won’t happen as a 3rd party will arise from this bracket in the name of Joe Stromer and he will end Alan’s tyranny meanwhile beating Brian will make it to the Elite 8 but will get DQ’d after he runs out trying to catch a Charizard in front of The Fours. [Editor’s Note: I can see this happening. Seriously, I can!]
The All Cupcakes Matter Bracket
Who Should Win: Everett Phillips. Another 1%-er. Multiple time HRT winner. Practically runs the whole league. Yet he doesn’t get booed. Why? He listens to the people and knows how to butter up to them. Cupcakes.
Who to watch out for: This bracket is ABSURD. SEVEN different people have a legit shot at coming out of this bracket. Besides Ev there is: Eric, Jan, Jerry, Ryan, Dawson, and even Nate. If you get one of these names in the HRT lottery, you should feel good about your odds.
Best Matchup: Everett vs Jan. F*** You, Part 3 [Editor’s Note: Damn I hope this happens]. I’m here for it. Especially now with Jan being out for blood after the shenanigans that took place on Thursday. I’m expecting some high quality F-bombs and other foul language to be used. Get your popcorn cupcakes ready.
Who Will Win: Jan will finally get her f****ng revenge against Everett and then turn her sights on Dawson who hopefully won’t smash another phone after he hits an 18 on his hundo roll to lose.
The Absentee Bracket:
Who Should Win: Nick Weir might not get a better shot at this whole thing. Has the easiest bracket of the four and could finally get himself the ever elusive HRT….. it’s just too bad he’s not gonna make it. [Editor’s Note: He’s in a wedding, about the only legit excuse to miss Super Saturday.]
Steph Burgess is next in line to be odds on favorite and potentially be the first woman to win an HRT… but she has a wedding to attend.
Eric won’t have a better shot to sneaHAHAHAHA who am I kidding? We all know what his Saturday plans are.
It’s looking like it’s Ben Fountain [Editor’s Note: Toad!] by default here and yes I’m trying to jinx him. He might as well wear this. Competing in his first Super Saturday Final Four there is no telling what kind of shape he will be in emotionally by 2pm.
Who to look out for: Christina Salvucci and Cory Magno Without Nick & Stephanie, there’s an opening in the upper part of the bracket for one of these two to make a run as their biggest worry is each other.
Best Matchup: Sam Reidy vs Ben Fountain looks to be the best potential matchup & I expect Sam, who sources say is playing in his last HRT for the immediate future, to beat him in 3 games. I would’ve said Eric vs Ben but seriously is Mendes even a member of the league anymore? [Editor’s Note: I think I saw him once this season. Just once.]
Who Will Win: I like Christina’s odds here I really do. But the pick for this bracket seems like a little boring even though she’s #36. I have to introduce a little more anarchy into the HRT.
So I’m picking the Wild Card winner. That’s right. There won’t be a better opportunity for a person to go for Wild Card to Final Four and I want in on that. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. [Editor’s Note: Just when I’m about to call you out on too much chalk, you go and pick an unknown wild card winner. And I freaking love it!]
Semi Finals: Tom Martin vs Wild Card Winner. Super sub vs the Wild Card winner. At this point, everyone is going to be on the Wild Card’s side but Tom will overcome the wave of boos and sneak out a win.
Joe Stromer Vs Jan Harrington Now this match ought to be a damn good one. I think Jan still riding the wave of anger and F-bombs will be able to overcome Joe’s quality rolling
Finals: Tom Martin vs Jan Harrington. This one will be worthy of a final. Expect a lot of nerves and swearing from Jan while Tom tries not to succumb to the verbal assault. It’ll come down to the fifth frame, last ball hundo (which ironically enough, both of them hit 125 this skeeson) that Tom Martin will hit and become the 15th High Roller Champ.
Damn and imagine if he actually had a team this season. Should Have Played.
[Editor’s Note: So there you have it. If you don’t agree with the Season 15 High Rollers Report, prove them wrong tomorrow. Skee you all on the lanes!]